I'm losing my edge, and my marbles

Dear Daniel

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 20:58:00 +0200

Dear Daniel,

I cannot and do not want to send this letter to you, but it needs to come out of my system.

First things first, I know I'm with John now, he's a really decent guy. I at first felt very guilty for meeting him, and liking him. Just because I thought if you found out you might think that you meant nothing to me, and thats simply not true. However, I know that period of my life is over now, and I'm starting a new chapter.

I did feel very angry at you at first. Simply because the way I see it is that you never did anything to try to save our relationship. I was the one who came up with all the ideas of things we could to, try and find ways to reconnect. I may be wrong but in my eyes all you did was give up on us after two long years. Now I'm just mourning the loss of someone who was once very dear to me. I don't know, maybe our relationship really ended the day I moved to uni, it certainly ended long before you broke up with me.

I'm glad we had coffee together, it made me realise that I felt nothing for you. I am over you, just not the memory of what I've lost. I miss having someone I can ring up at any time and tell all my hopes, fears and gossip to. I don't want to put too much onto John so soon. I don't like to seem needy. I didn't really open up to you about things that really bothered me until about a year after we got together. I miss that openess.

I did believe that you were "The one" for me. We'd be together forever. Maybe it was our first date that made it just seem so perfect, like fate. I had a bad break-up before you came along. After that I prayed every night that I'd never fall in love again until I found "the one." And for the longest time I didn't. Guys came along, and after about two weeks I'd get bored and move on. That changed the day I met you.

I don't believe in forever anymore. Maybe I was naive to in the first place. Maybe I took you forgranted. I certainly feel a long more cynical now. But I've decided how I want my new relationship to be. I'm just going to take one day at a time, make the most of it. If I let myself believe in forevers then I'll probably take him just as forgranted. So I won't. I also won't build my life around him. I guess if anything I've learned to live for myself, and not somebody else. John told me he loved me. I couldn't say it back, I don't feel it right now. I will in time I guess, maybe I'm just more mature now and don't fall in and out of love so easily like I used to.

I need to get this all out of my system so I can move on, I don't want to forget you because we did have some great times together. I just don't want to be reminded of you everywhere I go either. I do hope we can be good friends one day, because after all is said and done, you are a decent guy.

I wish you the very best in life, no matter what you decide to do with it.

Good luck and godspeed.

Laura.

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Its been a while

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 21:50:59 +0100

Its been a while since I've posted. I guess I only write when I feel down and alone.
About a month ago now I split up with my boyfriend of two years. Which its safe to say got me down, a lot.
I've met a new guy though. His name is John and he's lovely. He makes me smile. Yet I'm still not sure about him. I like him a lot.
But I'm still not over my ex. Of course I'm not. Things like that take a while to get over. I mean after 2 years of being with someone you just never expect to be back at square one. Which is odd. Might be having to do my first "meet the parents" scenario soon. Which is scary.
Right now I think I'm just depressed because I know my ex is out having a good time and I'm all alone, all my friends are elsewhere tonight. Which sucks.

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So. My job pretty much sucks.

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 22:15:00 +0100

So I also go to work, as well as college. I work for a bank, one of the main high street banks. I won't mention which it is because I'll probably say some untoward things about it.

So today, my boss was on holiday. So I was stuck with the other boss. Who is new and I don't particularly like her.

And I do a lot of things at the bank. Although I'm technically a cashier, I rarely ever do that. I'm usually doing some admin or something. Though today I also has to be a meet and greet sort of person who deals with requests and queries.

So today the other boss set me this task of rather simply ringing up the morgage department, which is based overseas. And get them to fax me a morgage agreement. So after 4 rather angry phonecalls to them and many promises on their behalf to send me this fax. I got a fax, which was incorrect and then spent another 5 phonecalls trying to get them re-ammend it and sent it me. And ending up me trekking over to the other branch in the city centre as they decided they couldn't send it to my fax, even though they had two hours earlier.

But there we go. And how did that lovely boss reward my hard work and dedication? She sent me out into the banking hall. To be a receptionist. Which I am useless at. So 10 minutes later I'm standing there, like a lemon and a customer sitting on the sofa winks at me. I told the girl I was with and we made a bit of a joke about it. And then a few minutes later she moves away to talk to a customer and he comes up to me, and grabs my hair, which is covering my name badge and moves it behind my shoulder and says "Laura Cairns" and I can smell the alcohol on his breath and I realise he's drunk. And he goes and sits back down. I decide that I'm not going to take that so I went to tell my manager, who told me to sit down while she got someone else to deal with him so we could get him out of the branch as soon as possible. So I sit there for a few minute, slightly shaky. I've never had anything like that happen there in almost two years of me working there. Although I usually do sit behind a nice and safe thick pane of glass. So then she tells to get up and go back to where I was. And I do, and about 60 seconds later, he gets up to go out the bank and he comes up to me again and touches my shoulder and says "bye"

It really got me freaked out.

But I got to leave 40 minutes early as I only had a 20 minute lunch as I was chasing that damn fax. Which was pretty good.

Last night there was an earthquake in Britain. 5.2 on the richter scale apparently. I slept through it. My mum didn't. Although she thought it was my dad falling out of bed. I was dead to the world last night. I didn't know what day it was when I woke up this morning. I was pretty sure it was the weekend.
I wasn't that lucky.

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Another fatal wreck on the information highway.

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 21:15:26 +0100

Well I've finally decided I need to keep a written account of my life again. For many reasons, some of those are because I need somewhere to write all this stuff, before I have a mental break down. I need to keep a written account of my day-to-day moods, I need to keep track of them.

To put it bluntly, recently I've been very depressed. But there we go, just another cliche 18-year-old most people would think. I hope I'm not just another of those cliches, I've tried my whole life to be myself, no matter how much that singles me out from others. Now I'm just trying to find out who I am. I know that parts cliche, everyone goes through this round about now.

A slight introduction to my life. I'm currently studying A level Biology and Chemistry. And AS ICT, which seems to be more work than both my A2 levels out together. These are stressful and difficult, no matter what image the media portrays. These damn things are nearly sending me to breaking point.

Coupled with the stress of trying to find a university. As I desperately want to move out next year and have a change of scenery, and a change of faces instead seeing the same ones day in day out for 6 and a half years.

As to what doesn't stress me. My boyfriend, and my friends. They are who and what I live for. They are the people who care about me and people I can rely on, and people who rely on me. Athough I claim my life won't be complete until I have a friend who is exactly like Gok Wan, its a lie. I do love my friends. Although next year they will all be gone. Except hopefully my boyfriend. Although for my friends, 2 are going on gap years, one might be moving to Cornwall and then the rest will be going to universities dotted around England and Wales. Which is a bit rubbish really, as I now really need to go to university this year, else I'll be left behind.

Its because I'm only doing 2 A levels. I was going to do 3 but I got an E in AS maths and well. Working that hard at something and only getting the lowest actual grade for it. It hardly seemed worth it.

So my personal life seems ok, when I have one and am not just stuck in my room like some sort of recluse. I live around 10 miles away from most of my friend and I can't drive yet. So I can't see them in the evenings. I hate getting the bus by myself at night time.

But yes. Enough of that. Lets talk about today. Today was a pretty good day as Tuesdays go. Got up, went to college. Did ICT lessons, skipped biology and went to Dan's, as he was poorly and off work so I decided to go look after him as him mum is on holiday. He's 20. He really should be able to look after himself. But yeah... I look after him. I like to look after people.

So I went round and we chilled out for a few hours. Watched the nonsense commonly known as daytime-TV, had a nap, went to Tescos, had dinner and then got shouted at by Dans younger brother Scott. For making fun of James, who is his 13 and his youngest brother. Even though James pokes fun of me constantly, and I never retalliate. And the one time I say anything to James and I get shouted at. I didn't stick up for myself. I didn't want to cause a scene and I do really want Dans family to like me. I mean I think they do. I've been with Dan for over a year now. And I do really make an effort. This just really pissed me off is all.

But I really need a bath, so I'll call it a day for now, and see what tomorrow brings.

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